Panic attack?

I am horribly horribly afraid of roaches. Which will now forever be referred to as the bad word. I can’t even say it’s the R word because my last name starts with an R. So it is just the bad word. The worst word ever. The worst bug, the worst insect, the worst thing ever in my life. All varieties will send me into panic mode. I will scream and away from it. I will sit in my car for hours until someone can come and remove the offender. I have sprayed one before and it was still crawling towards me and I threw the can of bug spray at it and ran away.

Tonight I left the bedroom and when I came back there was one of those things on the wall close to the bathroom. I ran out of the room and told J he needed to kill it. He was like you’re wearing shoes, you kill it. I told him no, he had to do it. He got up and killed it and then was going to leave it there. I told him he had to dispose of it. He wasn’t going to do it. He wanted to discuss my fear. He wanted to know why I was afraid and said my reasons weren’t valid. He said I needed to face my fear. Bullshit. What the eff ever. No. Not going to happen. I started crying and ran into my computer room. I sat in there crying and trying to breathe for about 15-20 minutes. I was trying to calm down. I calmed down enough to go back into the living room and ask J if he removed it. He said of course. I came back into the bedroom and then walked back out and asked where he disposed of it, he said in the kitchen trash. I can live with it there until tomorrow. I trust that he really threw it away and I trust that he actually killed it.

I came back into the bedroom yet again and grabbed two target bags of bathroom trash and my garbage from chick fil a tonight. I was going to throw them away tomorrow. Nope. Did it tonight. Then I came back in here and gathered up the empty water bottles, my box from my uncrustables and my empty muffin container. I have a mini fridge in here and these were all things that have only been in here a few days. In fact the bottles were from last night and the box from this morning. Tomorrow is my day off, which is my cleaning day. This was stuff I was going to deal with tomorrow. Nope. Did it tonight. I had a bag of candy from Sunday. It was all open candy but I’ve left candy, food out before in various other rooms in the house and that was the first big “bad word” I had seen here. I had a half eaten pack of starburst, an open bag of the new mini starburst (they’re horrible if you’re wondering) and an open bag of butter finger bites. The last two were king size and I had taped them shut. And all 3 were in a Walgreens bag. Well I threw it all away also.

Tomorrow I will remove all the dirty laundry from in here. And I’ll vacuum and clean up my stuff that is on the wall across from the bed, which is the wall it was on. It’s a bag from target with some bath towels, a coffee table with stuff on it, two dirty sheets on the floor, a laundry basket of clothes and an ottoman with my physical therapy stuff on top. All of that will be dealt with tomorrow. I’m going to clean off my mini fridge and nightstand and dust/wipe down both. I’ll put away whatever needs to be put away and organize it. I’ll make sure the windows are shut and I’ll spray them with bug spray outside and I’ll spray in the bathroom around the window and all along the baseboards.

I’ll make sure that no one left food out in the kitchen. I don’t think they have since J closed tonight but still. I didn’t go in there tonight so I have no clue. I washed most of the dishes last night and I wiped the counters down. The recycling and trash was taken out last night. I swept the kitchen and front entry away. I mopped the kitchen.

There’s nothing outrageous to attract them and I’m sure the weather caused it to come inside though I hate that excuse and it doesn’t make me feel better. I feel better if I go around removing anything relating to food or drink and cleaning up everything that has crumb or food stains. I feel better if I use bug spray where I can. I keep the house pretty clean. I mean J makes it a challenge to keep it clean but I still keep it clean enough that there shouldn’t be bugs.

I think that’s the end of my current thoughts on this matter.

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